Posted by: Mariku | September 23, 2009

Coach Hines Lines

Coach Sandoval  Hines

This is the best character sketch on Mad TV, and don’t think that Coach Hines is not gonna stab you in the neck with a pencil. Here are some of my favorite lines.

“You tell it to the nurse, squatjob! Now you’re gonna get in there right now, and you’re gonna fill this cup with your pee or I swear to God in heaven, I’m gonna stick a fire hose inside of you, and you’re gonna have pee comin’ outta holes you didn’t know you had!”

“What are you laughing at Hamly?! I swear this chalk is going up your nose and out your finger! And that’s IMPOSSIBLE!!”

“Get that iPod out of your melon holes, or I will download my left cleat in your fart chimney!”

“You got a new name Hail Mary full of bullets, how about that?”

“If that guy gets past you, I am going to cut your body in half with the edge of a coin… It can be done, I saw it on CSI New York, not the original one, New York…..”

“New strategy, lose this game and I will murder you…… Every single one of you, multiple stab wounds”

“Stop it or I’ll set you on fire!”

“Tuck that shirt in, or I will guide you through a table saw”

“I don’t know how I’ll do it but i will make you caucasian.”

“After the game, alphabetical order, mass murder”

“Yaminashi, I dream of the day when medical science will allow me to be shrunk into microscopic size, and injected into your spinal fluid. Once there, I will travel in a miniature sub, through your body, and into your brain meat. Then I will take a pill that will allow me to grow into a normal size, exploding your skull bone, and rendering your body into a pink mist.”

“Listen one more crack out of you like that I swear to God I’m going to take that gun, I’m going to shove it up your fudge shovel and I am going to paint the ceiling of the of the Sisten Chapel on the inside of your transverse and sigmoid colon.”

“If you two porkholes… even get near that thought — I will kill you. And I won’t be creative about it, I’m just gonna take you out in broad daylight, shoot you in the back of the head and pay the consequences.”

If you want to watch the videos, here’s the site:


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